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i wish but also i don​’​t

from always care about birds - demo fest 2020 by always care about birds

/

lyrics

i wish i could've trusted my mind
like i trusted yours

wish i could've loved myself
the way you didn't

wish i could've listened to my own truth
the way i swallowed yours

the way i came to accept as inevitable
the constant self-doubt you planted in me
over and over again
until loneliness and relationship
until love and self-hatred
until humility and humiliation
until you and the erasure of me
blended as one
until it almost felt
(fucking) comfortable

i wish i would've known better
i wish
but also i don't

because this chaos and this pain
are a part of the world we live in
fading ghosts reminding me that my great-grandmothers did not die in vain
because i learned that normal does not
ever mean acceptable
ever
and that everything can change

because your control and gaslighting
and this terrible ugly feeling
that i deserved it
became a map of all the cracks
in my brain, and in my stomach
and in my thighs, and in my lungs
all the cracks and holes and wounds
i needed to fill with softness
to repair with boundaries to heal with trust
and to love

you have taught me
through this upside-down
labyrinth of broken mirrors
to stop wasting my own time

my mind is beautiful
my scars deserve to be seen
my existence matters
and until the world changes,
when old patterns come haunting me,
when you still try to make me doubt
my abilities, my worth, my dignity
and especially when no one else will
i'm gonna love the fuck out of myself

credits

from always care about birds - demo fest 2020, released December 21, 2020

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DEMO FEST Montreal, Québec

DEMO FEST is a fundraiser for Solidarity Across Borders. Over 200 artists spent the fall writing/recording/producing a ‘demo’ style new release. Everything was released on December 21st.

All proceeds go to Solidarity Across borders. Consider paying more than the minimum for individual releases, or buying the complete discography. Every little bit counts! ... more

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